Workout Fail

First of all, THANK YOU to those who have left such sweet and heartfelt comments – YOU guys are the ones that are inspiring, and your words help immensely.

I went to the gym after work, hoping that working on my 5K training would help clear my head. Somehow it ended up doing just the opposite and after 8 minutes, while holding back tears, I ditched my workout.

I’m hoping it was just mental; that the wall I hit has nothing to do with my ability to run, but is more about my mood. Nonetheless, it was a little defeating. I’m determined to run this 5K in 7 weeks but have a hard time keeping my running mojo, so to speak, when I have workouts like this.

Anyway, I told myself I’d come back in the morning and try again. Maybe cooking a batch of chili, watching The Bachelor, and getting some sleep will work some magic.

(Letting out a big boohoo in the car helped a bit, too.)

Again, thank you for your comments and encouragement – it makes this whole ordeal that much easier.

Stress and the CF’er

I’m finding that when I’m on top of my treatments it’s easier for me to get frustrated with normal life occurrences. I become upset faster, erupt quicker, and just generally become sour. That’s not a me that I’m very fond of. (And I’m sure Mike, and others around me, don’t enjoy it, either.)

While keeping up with my meds makes me feel good… and productive… and less stressed about CF, everything else is harder to balance. Work, gym, friends, etc. Thus, when one of those goes a little haywire I tend to freak out more easily.

It’s as if all of my energy is focused on taking care of my CF so I have nothing left when something else becomes difficult.

Today’s been a rough day. The main culprit being work, which is incredibly stressful at the moment and will be for the next two or three weeks. (I wish I could go into more detail but am leaving work out of this blog.)

Along with that are some concerns about money because of upcoming events. Add on the “to do” list of things I need to get done in my personal life: laundry, errands, refilling meds, etc. and I feel like I might drown.

I’m not explaining this well.

When I re-read the things that are upsetting me, it doesn’t seem like much. And for the old Katharine, the one that wasn’t taking care of herself and just carried on like any other 25-year-old, it probably wouldn’t be.

But I’m adjusting to having to figure out when I’ll get my meds done, go to the gym, get adequate sleep. And still manage to somehow have some fun. That alone has been stressful the past few weeks, but manageable.

I used to slack on things like the gym and sleep, but if I want to keep myself as healthy as I can be, that’s really not a choice. And the things that end up suffering are things I enjoy, like visiting with friends, going to a DG alumni event, reading a book before bed – I’m finding that hard to accept. (Which only worsens my mood.)

I’m sure as I get used to the routine of things and working my treatments into my schedule it will become easier, but right now I’m struggling. Or at least struggling when other parts of my life seem out of control.

When that happens the anger comes. The “why me” and “this is so unfair” and “I just want to be normal!” Those aren’t feelings I’m proud of. It’s all too easy to fall to pieces and throw a pity party, but that’s not productive.

I have cystic fibrosis and that means doing certain not-so-fun things. It means getting up earlier to do my meds, making sure I have all my CF-related paraphernalia when I leave for work, scheduling my evening around time-consuming treatments, and dealing with a higher than normal stress level.

I can do it. I know I can. It’s just going to be hard. I might have some moments of weakness where I scream and cry and yell. And I need to remember that that’s okay.

Because tomorrow is another day and another chance to get things right.

Beautiful Blogger Award

A week or so ago (clearly I should’ve posted this MUCH sooner), Lauren at Eat, Drink, and Be Hopeful nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger Award! I was very touched – thank you Lauren!

So here are 7 things that you (probably) don’t know about me:

1. I am the eighth Katharine (and that’s with an “A”) in a row on my mom’s side of the family. (So yes, I guess that technically makes me Katharine the 8th.)
2. My parents married each other twice. My sister and I were born the second time around. They also divorced each other twice. (And no, I don’t think there will be a third.)
3. I am double-jointed in my elbows.
4. My boyfriend and I met in high school, 10 years ago. I think he’s okay.
5. My first word was “hat.” (Clearly I had a fashion problem from the beginning.)
6. I got to visit the set of “The Gilmore Girls.” (Dean is JUST as dreamy in person.)
7. I have close to 300 books. And I’ve read less than 30. (Addict, right here.)

Now for the next 7 nominees (even though I’d nominate EVERYONE  if I could):

Heather
Jessica
Janet
Quinn
Ashley
Emily
Kara

I hope everyone had a great weekend! I’ll be back tomorrow with a CF-related post – “A Day in the Life…”

The Post in Which I Use Too Many Parentheses

It’s taken me so long to post because I actually couldn’t decide what to write about. I have a million ideas running through my head and didn’t know which one to pick. (So stay tuned for more frequent posting!)

I decided to make this post less about CF and more about ME. I know, you’re excited.

But in all seriousness, I think it’s important to show the (many) other aspects of my life. Having cystic fibrosis doesn’t define me, it’s just a part of who I am. And I want you, my readers, to get to know about me, too!

Mike and I had been wanting to go to the aquarium for a while, but being a young couple on a budget we didn’t want to cough up the almost $30 per person. Luckily, the Baltimore aquarium offers admission for $8 on Friday nights!

(And date night was born.)

First we stopped at Five Guys. (Can I get a, “Mmm!”)

(I really need to become a better blogger and start taking more pictures. The ones below were taken by the very talented Mike.) (Which, unfortunately, means he’s BEHIND the camera, rather than in front of. And that means you get to see a lot of my face. Enjoy.)

my “i don’t know whether to be intrigued or scared” face

beautiful jellyfish (who knew?)

This was followed by a visit to my homeland – Barnes & Noble. And of course I didn’t walk out empty handed. No. I made two purchases:

• Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey (a fellow Denison alum)
• Creation in Death by J.D. Robb/Nora Roberts (Anyone ever read anything by her? This will be my first.)

Then home and bed. (I know, I’m an old woman.)

Saturday was spent gearing up for the Ravens game. (Which ended in heartache, so let’s move on.)

I decided I deserved a little something for keeping up with my meds for the past few weeks, so I made my way to Columbia for some Sunday “me time.” And I might have treated myself a little TOO much.

(A new jeans purchase from H&M, a (hot pink!) manicure, and a trip to Trader Joe’s (aka my other boyfriend) might have occured.)

I was in such good spirits when I got home that I made dinner. (Go ahead, pick your jaw up off the floor. I’ll wait.)

(And it didn’t involve the microwave!)

In fact, it turned out quite delicious if I do say so myself. Pork tenderloin, green beans, roasted potatoes, and garlic naan. (With a side of red wine, of course.)

evidence

How was your weekend?

Now I can’t end this post without giving a VERY special thanks to an even more special person. (Click that link, because it leads to her blog, and you KNOW you want to read every post she writes. Because she’s awesome.)

Heather has bowled me over with her sweetness and support over the last few weeks. Not only has she offered endless words of encouragement, but now she has pledged to walk for Great Strides in my honor.

I can’t even express how grateful I am. So please, go on over and donate. Or just let her know what an amazing and inspiring person SHE is. Not only to support CF, but to recognize Heather’s generous and incredible spirit.

So THANK YOU, Heather!

Coming Soon…

Just wanted to stop in, say “hi!” and let you know there is a post coming soon! Thanks again to everyone for the support – and welcome new readers!

Stay tuned for something around lunchtime…

From the Very Bottom of My Heart

CF 35 Under 35 Event, picture courtesy of Maria Linz

I am shocked, stunned really, but so incredibly honored.

Today Caitlin, of Healthy Tipping Point (and Operation Beautiful), chose me, of the boatload of amazing bloggers, to be next in line for the Blogging Pants. And I couldn’t be more thrilled. A HUGE thank you to Caitlin and those who nominated me – I am truly grateful.

As I said to Caitlin, I can’t put into words what this means to me. Deciding to “come out” with my CF on the blog was a very difficult decision, and one I toyed with for quite some time. Thanks to the outpouring of support I’ve gotten over the past couple of weeks, I am 100% sure I did the right thing.

The kind words, thoughtful comments, and encouragement I’ve gotten from the blogging community is absolutely incredible. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think I’ve finally found what I need to keep myself motivated.

And a BIG hello to all my new readers! Wow, I am blown away by the awesome new people that have come to check out my blog. You rock! This completely made my day, heck, my year!

To learn more about my story, and CF in general, please check out the “About My CF” and “About CF” tabs at the top of the page. And feel free to email me at FromAtoPink at gmail dot com with any questions about cystic fibrosis, ways you can help, or just some blogging advice.

Taking One Day At a Time

(Disclaimer: I have a million different thoughts running through me right now, so I apologize if this is a little disjointed.)

My appointment at Hopkins yesterday wasn’t good. But it wasn’t bad, either.

My lung function dropped about 3% – from 67% back in October, to its current level of 64%. My best range has been in the 70s, so my doctor is a little concerned that it hasn’t been going up. I will say, and I admited this to him, that a lot of it is probably my fault. I’ve slacked on my treatments, in a big way, and for a long time. That adds up. But like I said before, I’ve been doing well keeping up with them for close to two weeks now.

Unfortunately those two weeks haven’t had much of an effect. Yet. That’s what I keep reminding myself, yet. If I keep up with this, and get back into an exercise routine, my lung function will (hopefully) go up.

To help with that, my doctor has put me on a round of Bactrim and added a new nebulizer medication to my regimen. (To read more about that, visit the “About My CF” page.) 

I left Hopkins even more overwhelmed than usual. This visit hit me much harder.

This is the best way to describe it: It feels like someone has died. Like I’m in mourning. I feel like I’ve lost who I thought I was going to be and have to surrender it to this disease. I don’t want to let CF control me; I badly want to be the person that puts on a smile and faces all that has to be done with grace and strength. I feel anything but strong.

Being diagnosed at 16 made it easy to shove CF to the back of my mind. I had boys and dances and college applications to worry about. I did my medicine because my parents and doctors told me to, but I didn’t let the meaning of it all sink in.

Then I went to college. I didn’t have parents to remind me of my meds. And there were boys and parties and classes. And FREEDOM.

So here I am, almost ten years later, still grappling with what having cystic fibrosis means. And it’s HARD. And SCARY. And completely overwhelming.

I’m sad and angry and hopeful and ashamed and fearful and tired.

I’m full of questions. (What will happen in five years? Ten? Twenty? Will I live to see my 40th birthday? Will I have kids? Will I have to get a lung transplant? Will I be able to accomplish all the things I want to do with my life?)

It never ends.

And that’s the thought that makes me want to give up. Because I have to deal with this every day, for the rest of my life.

So I remind myself to take one day at a time. To get through RIGHT NOW.

And hopefully, before it’s too late, a cure will be found. 

But until then I’m going to do my treatments, drag myself to the gym, try to get enough sleep, eat healthy, thank the people that support me, and just make it through another day.

Because my life is pretty damn wonderful, despite CF. And I want to stick around to enjoy it.

Judgement Day

Tomorrow is my first appointment at Hopkins in about four months. (I usually see them every three, but it’s been a little longer due to some rescheduling because of work/the holidays.)

Last time I was there my lung function had gone down about 9% – from 75% to around 66%. Needless to say I was not pleased. BUT, it was my own doing – as usual, I’d been slacking on my meds.

Thanks to this here blog, and my readers’ wonderful support, I’ve been keeping up with my regular treatments about 90% of the time. (I knew this thing would motivate me!) I’m feeling better – can breathe easier, get winded less often, etc. – so I’m hoping my report from the docs will be a good one.

I’m always cautious about being too optimistic. Disappointment hits me hard. In the meantime I’m crossing my fingers, doing my treatments and trying to stay positive.

And to give those of you that aren’t familiar with cystic fibrosis an insight into what I’m feeling on the eve of an important doctor’s visit, I thought I’d share:

- Nervous. What if my lung function has remained the same? What if I do my medication and STILL can’t get it up to where I want/need it to be? What if my doctors nag on me because I’ve lost a few pounds? (More on this in another post.) What if they find a nasty bacteria? And the what ifs could go on forever.

- Scared. Of the unknown, the possibilities, and the realities of the disease. On the one hand, it’s one of the few places I can cough up mucus without feeling self-conscious. On the other, having CF is hard to ignore during these appointments – cystic fibrosis and my health are the focus for two hours. I see other patients with the disease and wonder how they’re doing… and if that will be me one day. Some are on ventilators; some have IVs. And I always leave feeling a little (or a lot) overwhelmed.

- Hopeful. I’m feeling good, sounding good, and on top of things – and I’m praying that it shows.

I’ll be sure to let you all know how it goes!

A New Year is For Trying New Things… Right?

I did something I’ve wanted to do for over a year now. Something I haven’t done because I’ve been too scared.

I signed up for a 5K. The Shamrock 5K to be exact.

Now, I don’t run. Never have. My cardio consists of “running” on the elliptical and walking on the treadmill. Sometime in October, my roommate at the time convinced me to run with her. “Just a mile,” she said. “You can do it.” I hemmed and I hawed. I tried to talk my way out of it, using CF as my main excuse.

But eventually I thought, What the heck. It can’t hurt. (Besides, I was curious to see what would happen. Cystic fibrosis has always been the main thing holding me back from trying. I figured that someone with a lung disease wouldn’t be able to run.)

So I did. And after a couple blocks I wanted to die. So I walked a block. Then I ran a couple. And wanted to die. I repeated that for a about a mile. At which point I declared I couldn’t go any further and went home.

But I felt GREAT. I was on cloud nine. I had RUN a MILE, something I thought I could never do.

Then winter set in and running outside, especially for me (breathing in very cold air can be difficult), became impossible. And I haven’t run again since.

And then on Tuesday, in response to one of Kim’s tweets, I mentioned that I’d always wanted to run a 5K but didn’t think I could.

Ashley and Quinn chimed in, offering to run in the Shamrock 5K, too. Before I knew it, I’d signed up, along with my friend Mandi.

I’m nervous. Petrified is more like it. I probably should have started training… oh like last month, maybe? (What if I have to walk? What if I have a coughing attack in the middle of the race? What if I embarrass myself? What if I don’t finish?) But along with the butterflies in my stomach and the million worries running through my head, I’m excited.

Because if when I cross that finish line, it will be one of the proudest moments of my life.

An Inadequate Thanks

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Everyone who’s commented, given me feedback, or just encouraged me to keep going with this – I am truly appreciative. Because of your response in just the last 24 hours, I already know that this was definitely the right thing to do.

It’ll be a work in progress – and I accept any and all advice, reactions, etc. – but I can’t wait to keep going.

This road would be much harder without the support of my friends, family, boyfriend, and you – the readers. So, THANK YOU!