Life has been a whirlwind lately.
But let’s start with the best and most exciting news of all… Mike and I got engaged! It happened on February 4th, at home, in a way that was perfectly us. I couldn’t be more thrilled. And I couldn’t be more lucky to spend the rest of my life with him.
Also, we’ve set a date! October 27, 2012. And I’ve knocked off some other crucial items (like finding the dress!).
While wedding planning was stressful at first, it has now become a wonderful and much needed distraction from other things going on in my life. Mainly, my health.
I’ve been struggling for some time now to get my lung function back into the 70s, where it was a couple years ago. So after yet another disappointing appointment, where my lung function dropped again, my doctors decided it’s time for me to do a round of antibiotics via an IV.
Tomorrow I’ll be admitted to the hospital where I’ll start a two week stint of IV antibiotics. I should (hopefully) only be there for a couple of days and will then go home to finish up the treatments. (They’ll insert a picc line into my arm and I’ll have a nurse come by every few days to check on it.)
I’ve done this once before, about seven years ago. But I don’t remember much. Considering that many CF patients go through this about once a year, I feel very lucky that I’ve been able to go this long.
That, along with “it’s only two weeks,” are the mantras I’m repeating in my head this week.
Because I’m scared. Of being in the hospital for a few days. Of needles and blood draws. Of dealing with the IV at home, away from the care of my doctors.
But mostly I’m scared of the “what ifs.” The worst one being: What if this is the beginning of the end?
And it’s not. Somewhere deep inside I know that. But for the first time in the 10 years since my diagnosis, I feel like I’m staring down my future… and it’s scary as hell.
I do my best every day to be happy. To live life without fear. To not dwell on all the “what ifs” that come with having CF. But sometimes it’s too much.
This is one of those times.
After the decision was made to do IVs I went home and let myself sulk. I cried. I yelled. Basically, I threw a giant pity party. I hadn’t done that in a while, and it felt good.
For weeks now I haven’t felt like myself. No energy. A tight chest. Lots of coughing. Becoming winded. And I’m ready to get back to being me. To going to the gym. To hanging with my friends. To enjoying my engagement. To smiling more.
It’s felt like my world has revolved around cystic fibrosis these past few weeks. And for the first time maybe ever, I’ve felt like a CF patient every day. I’m ready for that to change.
So even though I’m not looking forward to the next two weeks. Even though I’m confronting a lot of fears and shedding a lot of tears. I can’t help but look forward to coming out of this on the other side with a higher lung function and an even deeper appreciation of my life. Because it’s a damn good one.