I’ve had a post stewing in my head. And have attempted to write it multiple times. But I’ve found myself censoring what I want to say. What I’m feeling. Because I’m scared of being misunderstood. Scared that people might disagree or judge me.
But thanks to a certain blogger friend’s wise words today, I’ve decided to just be honest. As she said, it’s all about owning your feelings and saying, “Sorry, I’m not sorry.” (Go read her blog because it’s awesome. And so is she. When have I steered you wrong?)
Anyway. Hopefully by now, my readers know that what I say comes from a place of thoughtfulness and sincerity.
I’ve been having a rough time lately. And a lot of how I’m feeling I’ve been unable to put into words.
With a diagnosis at just 16 years old, I ended up ignoring much of what having CF means. I finished high school (worrying about things like homework, boys, and prom) and then went on to college, where my focus was on roughly the same. I didn’t allow myself any time to process anything. I’m not sure I consciously knew that I was sweeping it all under the rug. Sure, the initial few days and weeks after I found out were hard, but then life seemed to go on.
(This isn’t to say CF disappeared. I started a group on campus to raise money for the CF Foundation. I told my peers about cystic fibrosis. I was even hospitalized once because of my failure to take care of myself. But none of that seemed to really sink in. At least not to the point it has now.)
Suddenly all of the emotions have hit me like a truck. (I hate clichés, but that’s the best way I know to describe it.) One day I felt like myself, the next day I didn’t.
There are many things I’m struggling with. Mainly how much having cystic fibrosis will affect my life. As I’ve said before, there’s a fine line between letting a chronic illness consume your life and giving it its appropriate place. I guess I’m still trying to figure that out.
Now, for my confession.
The thing that seems to be bothering me most is how much others take life for granted.
I find myself pulling away from my friends and social situations because I feel so far removed from the things they’re dealing with. It’s hard for me to be sympathetic or excited about things that are to me, at least right now, trivial.
This makes me feel like a pretty crummy person.
I want to be a good friend – cry and laugh and celebrate with the people in my life that I love and cherish and who usually make me SO HAPPY.
But I don’t have it in me right now.
Instead I end up feeling frustrated and bitter and angry. Not very admirable qualities.
But I need to remind myself that it’s okay. I’m allowed to be selfish right now. It’s a lot to process. A lot of realizations to adjust to. And I’ll get there, it just takes time.
I’ll probably write more soon about other things I’m feeling, but in the meantime, could you guys do me a favor? If you take anything at all away from reading my blog, make it be this:
Life is precious. Time is fleeting. Cherish life because you don’t know how long anyone has.