I’m finding that when I’m on top of my treatments it’s easier for me to get frustrated with normal life occurrences. I become upset faster, erupt quicker, and just generally become sour. That’s not a me that I’m very fond of. (And I’m sure Mike, and others around me, don’t enjoy it, either.)
While keeping up with my meds makes me feel good… and productive… and less stressed about CF, everything else is harder to balance. Work, gym, friends, etc. Thus, when one of those goes a little haywire I tend to freak out more easily.
It’s as if all of my energy is focused on taking care of my CF so I have nothing left when something else becomes difficult.
Today’s been a rough day. The main culprit being work, which is incredibly stressful at the moment and will be for the next two or three weeks. (I wish I could go into more detail but am leaving work out of this blog.)
Along with that are some concerns about money because of upcoming events. Add on the “to do” list of things I need to get done in my personal life: laundry, errands, refilling meds, etc. and I feel like I might drown.
I’m not explaining this well.
When I re-read the things that are upsetting me, it doesn’t seem like much. And for the old Katharine, the one that wasn’t taking care of herself and just carried on like any other 25-year-old, it probably wouldn’t be.
But I’m adjusting to having to figure out when I’ll get my meds done, go to the gym, get adequate sleep. And still manage to somehow have some fun. That alone has been stressful the past few weeks, but manageable.
I used to slack on things like the gym and sleep, but if I want to keep myself as healthy as I can be, that’s really not a choice. And the things that end up suffering are things I enjoy, like visiting with friends, going to a DG alumni event, reading a book before bed – I’m finding that hard to accept. (Which only worsens my mood.)
I’m sure as I get used to the routine of things and working my treatments into my schedule it will become easier, but right now I’m struggling. Or at least struggling when other parts of my life seem out of control.
When that happens the anger comes. The “why me” and “this is so unfair” and “I just want to be normal!” Those aren’t feelings I’m proud of. It’s all too easy to fall to pieces and throw a pity party, but that’s not productive.
I have cystic fibrosis and that means doing certain not-so-fun things. It means getting up earlier to do my meds, making sure I have all my CF-related paraphernalia when I leave for work, scheduling my evening around time-consuming treatments, and dealing with a higher than normal stress level.
I can do it. I know I can. It’s just going to be hard. I might have some moments of weakness where I scream and cry and yell. And I need to remember that that’s okay.
Because tomorrow is another day and another chance to get things right.